Christian, Christianity, faith

The Reckoning

I can’t believe I’m here. Again. And yet, I can.

So let’s start with a little housekeeping. This isn’t really for you, it’s for me. If nobody ever stumbles upon this little blog that’s A-okay. But I don’t do well with handwritten journals, so here we are.

I’m back on the road to getting healthy. Again. Back several years ago I was fed up enough and started a major journey on that path. Blogged about that one, too. It was 2007.  I had what you’d consider a great success. I pretty much lost decent size man. No surgery, just hard work.   And I’ll talk about it in more detail, but I wanted to get started here (before another day of overtime) so let me just say this…my motivation last time was fueled by absolute and complete self-loathing that was tied to my weight. And losing all of the weight was supposed to fix everything.  Newsflash, it didn’t.   I found myself just as miserable, and in a lot of ways, even more than before because things weren’t suddenly better.

Pretty soon the bottom fell out. Big time. So I gave up. On everything. But I don’t regret it for a moment. It was the bottom falling out that brought me to where I could hear God calling me back from a long time of running the opposite direction of anything to do with Him. He gave me back peace, joy, purpose and so much more.

And yet I was still not letting God fully satisfy me. That and really bad habits have taken their toll. Oh and some injuries I picked up during my addicted to working out phase and not following the doctor OR my trainer’s orders. (Not so bright, this one.)

I’ve put in my time listening to the shame message (oh how we’ll pick that apart), but really, ENOUGH!!  I finally get that to God, how He sees me, is the completely new creation that I will be. He already sees me that way. But I don’t because I’m not there yet, I get too hung up in now. That’s where I’m putting that baggage down and picking up the promises that we have been given. They’re so much lighter.

I have for so many years defined myself based on my weight, and how I think others define me, based on my weight. Well, you’re free to define me any way you choose. I’m going to start defining myself as the Already that God sees and keep working that direction in the Not Yet until I get there.  He’s promised he’ll keep working on me, after all.



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